Wives: Giving up control

A controlling and dominant wife can very quickly cause her marriage to deteriorate and bring down her husband. Many wives struggle to give up control. Do you?

To give up control means to give up my will and to submit to the plan God has for me and to submit to the desires of people around me.

Often this means doing things the way someone else wants, and not always doing things my way.

Not only women desire to control. Men do too, and that is a problem as well. Godly men will lead, not try to control their wives.

I’ve known controlling men, and also controlling women.

Both are detrimental to healthy family life. However, ever since the fall of mankind, in the garden of Eden, women have tried to control.

Sometimes we struggle to let go. Or struggle to accept things the way they are, and try to change the people and circumstances around us.

Control CAN be a good thing. Self-control is one of the fruits of the spirit, and we are to control our fleshly lusts.

As a mother, it is also our duty to control our small children. There comes a time when we also need to give up that control.

But to be controlling is never good. We must never try to control our husband

To give up control means to trust God completely, with every aspect of your life. It means to trust God that He will guide your husband in the way he shall go, and if that means making mistakes along the way, it is all part of his plan.

Giving up control means surrendering our will completely to God.

From the beginning that God made the world, women have tried to control situations and the world around them.

Once we realize how the need to control is within us, we can start to realize how we need to learn to trust and submit.

Wives control their husbands when they have the ‘My way or the highway” kind of attitude.

The underlying root of our controlling issues lies within us. It is when we are unable to trust our husband, and ultimately do not trust God.


5 Signs that You are a Controlling Wife

5 signs you are a controlling wife

1. You always have to do things your way.

2. You freak out if things do not go as planned.

3. You struggle with anxiety.

4. You get upset if people have a different opinion than yours.

5. You are never wrong.

Passive Controlling vs Actively Controlling

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Almost everyone could tell you that one of their parents had been the dominating, controlling figure in their life. In my family, it was my mother.

My dad was the one that would more easily back down, and let her have her way in order to keep the peace.

I saw this from a young age, and knew it wasn’t the way it ought to be. I was determined to be a submissive, yielding wife.

However, it took ten years of marriage before I realized I had fallen into the other side of the ditch.

I never thought I was a controlling wife. After all, I fully understand that the Bible teaches that wives ought to be submissive.

To me, that meant that my husband had full authority over what we did. It wasn’t that I never shared my opinion. However, he had the final say.

What I didn’t realize was that even when I was acting submissive, in my heart I hadn’t truly given up my will.

My husband could sense it by my attitude. I was being controlling by withholding my approval when I did not agree with his choices and decisions.

Then I was bitter that I had to submit my will to his.

Also, I often did not trust his decisions and thought he should do things my way.

It was not until I read this great book by Dorcas Stutzman, called ‘Trust or Control’, that I realized that I struggled with being passively controlling.

surrendering to God

Why I was a Controlling Wife

1. I did not Trust

Often I did not trust my husband to make good choices.

I was not able to completely trust God that He was ultimately in control, and would keep us away from harm as was His will.

Only when I am able to trust God am I able to trust my husband.

I still struggle with this.

Do not think am done with this battle of giving up control! Some days it is easier to give up the need to control than other days.

2. Lack of Humility

Too often we think that our way of thinking is the best, and the other is just plain wrong! God resists the proud and gives grace unto the humble.

My attitude of self-righteousness has caused me to resist giving up control many times.

3. Anxiety

Anxiety has many different roots, but my anxiety comes from not having control over my life. When I am able to surrender my life completely into God’s hands, my anxiety levels go down greatly.

Perfect love casts out all fear, and when I am living in the perfect love of God, my anxiety levels decrease.

I am like Peter when he walked on water. When I turn my focus away from Jesus, fear overtakes me.

Does surrender mean giving up?

So do I need to be a doormat wife? Giving up any passion for life, having no opinions of my own?

I struggled with this for a while. I felt that by giving up control, I would no longer have a say in the way my life is. 

What I learned, however, was that giving up control doesn’t mean giving up your passion and purpose.

Instead, it means that you are OKAY with things when they go in a different direction then you would have chosen.

I learned that I SHOULD tell my husband my thoughts and opinions, but in a kind, non-critical way.

Then leave the final decision up to him, and accept it.

Surrender means to fully submit to God and His will in my life.

Surrendering to God Bible Verses

James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God.

Jeremiah 10:23 O Lord, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.

Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

7 Ways To Stop being a Controlling wife

1. Recognize you have a problem.

2. Repent

3. Give your life fully to God

4. Submit to Your Husband

5. Think Before You Speak

6. Accept your husband the way he is.

7. Listen more, talk less.

I still struggle with being controlling, even after realizing that I had a problem. Our carnal nature struggles to submit, and it is only by the grace of God that I will be able to overcome it. However, he is faithful to help us and for that I am forever grateful.

A controlling and dominant wife can very quickly cause her marriage to deteriorate and bring down her husband.

Giving up control takes a huge burden off your shoulders, and will give you rest and peace. Trying to control everything is too big of a burden for our shoulders.

Related: The Power of Your Words

If you suspect you might have controlling issues, I highly recommend you get this book. It is very convicting and written by someone who was able to overcome a need to control and learn to trust.

Do you struggle with being a controlling wife? Let me know in the comments below.

8 thoughts on “Wives: Giving up control”

  1. This article is dangerous for anyone who is in an abusive marriage. And, what is tough is most wives I minister to in abusive marriages do not realize they are.
    Husbands do not get the final say. That is not a marriage, it is a dictatorship. This is taking a very superficial take on a tricky subject.

  2. Pingback: When It's Hard To Surrender Everything To God - Keepers At Home

  3. Praise God for you to open up and talk about this! I DEFINITELY struggle with this, not just in my my marriage but in my life and relationships. I am learning definitely to listen more and think before I speak!

  4. Wow. This is eye-opening and causes me to really think and reflect on who I am to my husband. I love that we can have self-control in some areas but we also need to exercise sacrifice and humility! It really is a balance.

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