What to do When Your Husband Hurts Your Feelings (and Doesn’t Even Care)

Does your husband hurt your feelings, and it feels like he doesn’t even care?

I believe every wife goes through seasons where she seriously wonders if her husband even cares.

I have struggled with feeling hurt about things my husband said or did A LOT in our first ten years of marriage.

Sure, my husband was not perfect, but with time I realized I had a problem bigger than I thought.

I was getting my feelings offended all the time.

Was my husband that uncaring? Did he really not care if he hurt my feelings?

With time I started to see the picture through a bit of a broader lens. Sure, my husband spoke harsher than I was accustomed to.

In the home where he had been brought up, there was no beating around the bush. You spoke it like it was. I was certainly not used to bluntness on that level.

Have you ever hurt someone without meaning to?

Sometimes we speak words that weren’t meant to offend the other. I know I have done it, and my husband has done it.

Careless words are just that; uncaring. But knowing the intent behind the words can help keep us from feeling hurt.

You might even have wondered why they were so easily offended.

Here we’ll dive into what we can do about not getting as easily hurt by our husband’s words and actions.

Does your husband regularly say things that hurt your feelings, which can turn a great day into a terrible one?

Me too. At the beginning of our marriage I really thought I had married a very unkind man, who didn’t have feelings whatsoever. He sure didn’t seem to care about mine!

But, I’ve learned, that my husband has a heart of gold, it just comes out a little rough at times.

I’ve also learned that I get offended and hurt really easily and that the choice to be hurt is actually mine.

Being easily offended is actually a form of pride, as difficult as that is to admit.

Realizing that I was partially to blame was a big eye-opener for me and I’ve learned there are several things that we as Christian women can do to let the careless words run off our back, forgive, and move on.

Disclaimer: This is not a post about being hurt by an abusive husband. If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to get help.

Don’t wait. This is for women that are offended by the things your husband says, especially when he did not intend to hurt you with his words or deeds.

7 Ways To React When Your Husband Hurts Your Feelings (and doesn’t seem to care).

1. Get in God’s Word

Read, pray, and study. The more we will love the Law of God, and spend time with Him, the less easily we will get offended.

The less we will get all these hurt feelings.

Daryl Blair wrote, “Allow the Word to saturate our Being, Allow the Word to mellow our hearts, Allow the Word to give us perspective, Allow the Word to show us ourselves, Allow the Word to sweeten our views of other people.”

Keyword being allow. We need to allow God to work his wondrous work in our lives.

Do you need to become more intentional about praying and being in the Word of God?

Related: Christian Resources To Improve Your Marriage.

2. Humility.

Once we realize that we sin too, and often repeatedly, we are more willing to overlook the other person’s mistakes.

Pride is a big reason why we become offended.

That’s not something any woman wants to hear (How dare I even write that!).

A humble woman who knows her worth in Christ is much more willing to let criticism slide.

3. Look at it honestly.

Why does this offend me? What can I learn from this? If this isn’t true, why am I bothered by it?

4. Raise your Tolerance level.

I think I started our marriage with a tolerance level of zero.

Hurt feelings abounded! We can improve our tolerance level by focusing on God, praying, and meditating on his word.

If you turn your focus on God instead of on yourself, you will be able to tolerate more.

5. Don’t misread the insult.

Ask yourself, did he mean it the way I took it?

Give your husband the benefit of doubt, and try to look at it positively.

Ask him, “Are you saying I am….?” Often we misread what he meant to express.

6. Consider the circumstances.

Did your husband speak or act out of pain?

Was I being disrespectful? He has no excuse to insult or berate you, but you don’t have control over that part.

You do have control over your actions, and how respectful you were. With God’s help, we are able to change ourselves.

7. Learn from Jesus.

Forgive, and forgive again. Jesus lived in direct accusations, yet he forgave them.

He kept his focus on eternity, and not on earthly things.

We need to realize that our worth is in Jesus Christ, and not try to find our worth in our husband. I’ve been guilty of this.

In this world and age, there are hurting people everywhere. Hurting people hurt people.

When we have the power of our Lord Jesus Christ within us, we are able to grow and overcome being easily offended.

After (almost) eleven years of marriage, I’ve learned to be not (quite) as easily hurt and my husband has learned to speak in a kinder way.

Win-Win either way.

How do you react to hurtful words from your husband?

34 thoughts on “What to do When Your Husband Hurts Your Feelings (and Doesn’t Even Care)”

  1. Thank you for this reminder! My husband is a very kind, soft-spoken man, and just this week he said something that really hurt me. It took me more than a day, to give it all to God, and to forgive him. The Holy Spirit made me realize that what I said to instigate the harshness, was hurtful to him, and he lashed out with one of the things he knew would hurt me back. It is like you said, hurting people hurt people.

  2. Thank you for this reminder. We must forgive, pray over and trust Gods hand over our marriage. I was just about to write a letter to my husband asking him to self search his heart and tell me what is in there so I can see what’s really happening in a way where I involve prayer, fasting and my full faith that only God can change a man’s heart. Seems simple but some spouses have barriers such as pride, narcissism, deep rooted and unresolved emotional trauma, ect. Sometimes it’s best to leave this to God, while other times it’s best to see what the Holy Spirit reveals and move forward. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

  3. There are many heavy situations mentioned here, which I don’t see addressed in a deeper way, of course we should pray and try to change ourselves in our best way, forgive and try, but there are things that are beyond all that, it needs therapy, marriage counseling, personal counseling. Until what point we keep moving forward, when the bases of our marriage are not resolved? the bases now have some holes, truth has been eroded and it takes time, love and God’s Holy Spirit to work in us. For me I try to move forward, I have a lovely husband that hurt my feelings, but he doesn’t recognize his secret “just a friendship” with a colleague (half my age) and going out for a fun evening eating out with her instead of me, he doesn’t apologizes because according to him he hasn’t done any wrongdoing, he says it is a sincere friendship, but keeping it in secret? and even after I almost ended our marriage he still did it? I caught him going with her alone again, and waited for them to come back to their office parking lot, I confronted him, we talk I cried for days again, after our conversation where I told him that if they needed to go out he would tell me in advance, so the secretive part will end, I told him if I see that he gives her preference or priority over me that will be it. He just apologized for not letting me know he will be going out with her, but not for this friendship that for over 9 months has eroded my marriage. This clueless girl (Christian and professional social worker) is either too naive or evil. She stills greets me like nothing is wrong, I can’t stand this situation, and although my husband told her that I wans’t comfortable about this friendship, after the ultimatum I gave him, and after his change on how he relates to me, more loving, I am still struggling with it. I want him to quit his job (although he is 56) and hard to move a place he loves working for. I can’t trust him still I try to, I try to move on, and I forgave hm, but I am still waiting for a new emotional betrayal. I pray for him and this girl to realize what their friendship has caused in me and my marriage, In one way thanks to this, our marriage is getting better than before, after a long journey of trying to reconnect and reconcile. It has been hurtful, but has opened to talk more deeply, but I am still feeling stock, and awaiting an apology. He still thinks it has been all me creating this monster of infidelity in my head that hurts me, when he sees no other thing than a simple friendship. I know affairs are secretive, so if a friendship s kept secretive, even if it is “innocent” to me is a betrayal of confidence, but more importantly of cultivating a friendshiop with another woman instead of with me. I am much better now, but still feel stock.

  4. And what do you do when your husband has no desire to lead the family or spend time with them, and wants nothing more from you but meals, maid service, and sex? What is there to respect when he does nothing but sit on his phone from the time he gets home to the time he falls asleep? What do you do when 13 years of talks have ALWAYS been met with him literally rolling his eyes like a child and leaving the room, no matter how gently you try to bring up serious issues? What do you do when he refuses to help raise or discipline the children? I don’t hate my husband, but I hate being married to him because he genuinely acts and responds like a 12 year old in every aspect of his life: spiritual, relational, on the job, as a father, etc. He is extremely passive aggressive and has no desire to solve any problems, his only concern is with having the last laugh. How do you respect someone who gives you nothing to respect? Wouldn’t it be dishonest of me to act like I love him or to enthusiastically be intimate with him when I am not attracted to him at all and don’t like anything about him? I knew I was marrying the wrong person because I didn’t love him or feel attracted to him and he didn’t treat me well. But my biological clock was screaming and I wasn’t where I should’ve been with the Lord. How do you act in a marriage like this? How do you live with someone who has some kind of serious mental issues that they refuse to acknowledge?

    1. Lara I’ll pray your situation marriage becomes sweet, fun, holy and peaceful. It’s hard for any person at a young or old age to change a whole state of being when it’s a part of their personality. I’ve lived with many personalities that can be hard. II know where you are coming from and it’s not easy to not correct them when they so need to be corrected every second. How I’ve seen change in the long run is when you don’t always try to change them. No trying to fix the person because they will feel like you constantly are nagging them about everything even when it’s just. Focus on having a friendship and inside every day think of a few things you’re thankful that he is alive. Thankful that he hasn’t passed because there is still time for him to grow with Christ. Thankful that even though he might not be the best influence he is still around. Pray that you can be perfect in every form. And once he realizes that you try never to think about everything “he knows you want to improve of because you told him” then he will become more bonded with you and try. Once you see him trying ask his opinion on things. You don’t need to always do it but let him have the chance to be able to freely say something without you correcting his opinion. And when you knows it’s a good time to ask (later down the road) ask him “I want us to grow in Christ more as a family but I don’t know what we should do? Why do you think would be best right now that’s not too hard?” And always do exactly what he says.
      It will be wonderful!!! And also try to purse him with affection and love in small ways, with looks or marital acts. Never go back to thinking that if you don’t love him you shouldn’t lead him on. It’s not from the Holy Spirit. You should always try to avoid those thoughts! Once time in my marriage I know it was the Holy Spirit telling me “ it’s not him whose ruining the marriage. It’s you! Think only about perfecting yourself”
      Again I’m going to make efforts to pray for you as often as I think about it. Know that in a way I love you without knowing you and if you don’t like what I said don’t worry. I don’t think I make a lot of sense myself 90% of the time!

    2. beloved everything you are saying is one answer because I’ve tried it myself. PRAYER 🙏 We mess up when we try to change our husband only God has the power to change. Once your submissive and follow devine order of God you’ll be surprised at the results you get which are great. let the Holy Spirit guide you Hell tell you what to do. stay encouraged

    3. Hi Lara,

      Bring your pain to God and seek answers with Him. He will tell you if this battle is worth fighting for. You cannot be kind, loving and hopeful when you are not respected. That level of humility is something we strive for, to be like Christ. Sadly, in this world we must also have self love, if you don’t put your well being first no one will. This is not being selfish. This is also something God taught us in His ministry in Earth.

  5. Honestly, at some point we just have to come to terms with the fact that we married a terrible person. I did everything you listed here. I even tricked myself into believing he was a good husband who just didn’t know how to love in my love language, etc. Recently, I made peace with the fact that I was conned. I married a pastor believing that he would be a good husband. In reality he’s the worst man I’ve ever met……and I see murderers all the time. He was raised with no accountability, but all the pride in the world and he is convinced that he is the example of what men should be.
    Thankfully, God has answered my prayer and has completely dried up any love I had for him. I’ve never felt more free.

  6. Telling a woman who has been called a F……B….by her husband to show him respect is harmful. This is abuse, verbal abuse. It’s not being too sensitibe or easilly offended. How he treated her is offensive and should not be tolerated. Her situation will never change if she lets him think that everything’s okay. I hope the women on here will visit Sheila Gregoire’s site and read her extensive post about how marriage advice can be damaging. The advice you are giving is illustrated in her article perfectly. I think you should have a look, it might change your perspective.

    1. Exactly. Just bcuz a man hasn’t physically abused his wife doesn’t mean he’s not an abuser. This is why men continue to be disrespectful. They know someone will tell their wives not to hold them accountable.

  7. Hi my husband’s hardly communicates to me yet he the best guy best husband Nd father I love him alot but when his angry he says hurtful things I on the other hand also get angry Nd sad

  8. My husband has a porn addiction, he has cheated on me, he has verbally abused me, and distances himself from me and the kids on a regular basis. For the first 3 years of our marriage I prayed and prayed and prayed…and nothing ever stopped..I’ve turned away from from my faith…As much as I love him still, my marriage feels over…is there still room for forgiveness when I’ve lost hope..

    1. Can I be of little hope? I will pray if you aren’t! Can you just see and experience something for me? Im sure you won’t agree with me but if it’s possible, when you’re all alone try to find a Catholic Church and ask when you can do a visit to the blessed sacrament. And just sit there for a few minutes opening up your heart. Just try for my sake since I will try to pray your life becomes sweet in the way you need it most. Try sitting there just a couple times. It’s different from sitting in a church or chapel. It’s known for being the most healing place. Since it’s believed to be the real presence and live body blood soul and divinity of Christ.

  9. My husband and I have been distant for days now. When he tries to get intimate with me I feel angry, I just want to get away from him because of our problems. Today he tried again but I refused. Then he said that I had nothing to offer but sex to our marriage, than he left the room. Those were some hurtful words. ?

    1. Oh, that’s so hard! You need to talk! Hurtful words are usually spoken out of a hurting heart. Let go of your anger. It can be really hard, but in order for your marriage to survive and thrive, forgive him. Don’t give up until you have talked it through. Be ready to listen, and be willing to forgive.

    2. You have such a beautiful name!! I will pray! You must must not think of him but perfecting yourself and having a sweet and silly relationship with him. I was once anxious and angry but I felt that possibly the Holy Spirit say “if you don’t stop your marriage will be lost! You are the reason!”

  10. There’s a level of embarrassment when my husband isn’t nice to me, I feel like I failed in choosing a spouse. I feel like God gave him to me, but sometimes I think I was so ready to get married I completely ignored the red flags in my husband and we fight WAY to much. Like at least 10 days out of every month. It’s exhausting and I’m growing very tired and I want to be done most days. Words carry so much weight and I’m breaking.

    1. I can feel your desperation, but know that God has a plan for your marriage. Do your fighting not with words, but with prayer and fasting. Realize that you are not fighting against flesh but against powers and principalities, against spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12). Satan wants your marriage to fail. Grow your relationship with Christ, and your marriage will become better.

  11. I also get easily offended and my friends used to say I take things way too personal and it’s true. It has caused me great friendships and almost cost me my marriage because of past hurts. My eyes are now opened and I ask God for strength and wisdom to love and honour my husband inspite of because I am also a sinner. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I pray to God to restore my heart mind and soul and increase my love for others more than I used to when I was growing up

    1. You probably don’t Laynie. Go over to Love Honor and Vacuum and take a look at Sheila’s post on damaging marriage advice.

  12. My husband never hears me, when I talk he’s usually on his phone on Facebook, tic tok, watching fishing videos. Well today we got in a fuss and he called me a f-ing bi+@$. I was shocked, he’s never called me a name like that. Later on I texted him that he didn’t need to speak to me that way he said Ok. I asked him later in person if he felt like he should apologize and he said no. If he has ever been rude or mean with his words he never apologizes. I feel disrespected. What should I do?

    1. That is tough! Your husband is not treating you like he should. However, you can’t change him. Only God can do that. I would make an extra effort to pray for him diligently, asking God to open his eyes. Then, practice showing him respect. Although hard to do, respect is a need every man has. I am sorry you have to endure that hurt. Remember, love bears all things.

  13. Yes! We’ve been married for five years and the first few years I got upset about EVERYTHING! Poor man had to tip toe around me all the time. I finally learned how to vocalize what I heard him saying and he learned how to explain what he meant when I misunderstood. I also got a thicker skin; our friends often joke that my husband’s resiliency has rubbed off on me 😉

  14. My husband do say hurtful words to me and it has really affected our marriage. I don’t feel the urge to make love to him because those hurtful words keeps ringing in my head. Each time I try to reconnect, he hurts me with his bad words and he makes me feel like am the victim or the problem.

    1. That can be very hard. In those situations, we need to respect and love our husband as unto the Lord. Do it for God, and he will bless you for that. Spend a lot of time in prayer, asking Him for strength and wisdom. Pray that God will work a change in your husband.

      1. What is wrong by saying- I am hurt when you say this. I’m feel put down and belittled when this happens? Apologizing when you are wrong and say I did mean that so I will try not no do ….. Honest communication is important in marriage. Then you can start working on problems.

        1. Absolutely, we should always say the truth in love. Communication is very important in marriage. Too often, however, we tend to react badly because we are hurt and offended. Instead of listening to understand, and choosing to forgive, we react and everything blows up. Our reactions define a lot of our relationship with our husband.

      2. I’ve been married three months and it feels like the worst three months of my life I pray I pray I journal for God to soften his heart he’s a godly man but I’m torn and I’m getting resentful because I know he’s not seeing God like he should he wouldn’t be treating me like this talked me down yells and screams
        At me says things I don’t want to mention ? I also don’t want to make love anymore when I tell him something has bothered me of I tell Him any of my feelings that have nothing to do with him that aren’t good he gets angry….I’ve been praying with him!! I feel like the more I pray and the more gentle I am the more angry I get in return

        1. I’m sorry you are struggling through this. I understand your hurt. This war that you are waging is not against your husband, but rather against the rulers of darkness. Ephesians 6:12 says “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Don’t give up! You can not change your husband, but God can. I encourage you to read https://www.keepersathome.ca/when-your-husband-doesnt-share-your-faith/ May this help you be encouraged.

          1. But he screams at her. This is not acceptable. She should get herself to a safe place before he starts hitting her.

    2. I know you’re hurt but please forgive your husband and don’t ever stop praying for him. Pray for him as often as you are able to, even when you’re upset with him. While praying for your husband to change, make sure to ask God to show you your own faults so that you can accept and work on them. I wish you all the best in your marriage.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *