Unrealistic expectations in marriage not only make you very disappointed, they can also destroy a marriage quickly.
Often, when a wife is disappointed in her husband, she is given the advice to lower your expectations. After all, if the expectations you have of your marriage are little, you have little to be disappointed over.
So is it right to have no expectations in marriage? No expectations, no disappointments.
It never works that way, and that is why having no expectations in marriage is not the way to go.
Donald Baucom, a phycology expert, found that marriages live up to the expectations that you have.
In other words, you get what you expect.
So how can we have high expectations for our marriage, and yet not have unrealistic expectations?
After all, we never want to settle for anything other than the best that God has for us.
Having high standards is not a bad thing.
I want my children to have high standards for themselves, and for the husband or wife they marry.
I don’t want them to settle for something other than the best. They are worth it, in my eyes but in God’s eyes as well.
How do we know when we are having unrealistic expectations in our marriage, and how can we know when we need to increase our standards?
2 Corinthians 9:8 “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.”
In other words, God is able to give more than we need.
When I think about expectations in marriage, I believe that first off, our needs should be met. Your husband should be taking care of you physically as well as emotionally.
Often that is a matter of knowing the difference between needs and wants.
Unrealistic Marriage Expectations You Might Have
Mind Reading
Guess what? You can not expect your husband to read your mind. Although he may try!
Communication is key in a healthy marriage, and you can not expect that your husband will be able to read your mind (although the longer we are married, the better my husband seems to get at this).
I can not expect him to know how I am feeling or what I need from him.
Draw You Closer To God
A wife can be a positive example to her husband and a husband can be a positive influence on his wife, but no one can carry your cross for you.
The decision to follow Jesus is one every one needs to make themselves.
Fix Your Childhood Wounds
Childhood hurts are often brought into a marriage. Don’t expect marriage to fix your trials from your past.
Healing comes from the true Physician, which is Jesus Christ. Take your hurts to God for healing.
No Arguments
Different people will have different opinions. No doubt about that. You cannot expect that you will never have differences of opinions, and that there will never be contention between you.
However, the Bible tells us that we are supposed to live peaceably with all men, as much as is possible.
A peaceful home is something we should all strive for, and being forgiving, loving, and respectful to each other will help you achieve that.
No Future Struggles
Maybe you thought that your relationship problems would disappear after you got married.
I know a couple that got married because they figured marriage would fix the problems they were facing. Well, guess what, their marriage is NOT good!
Never expect that you will have no more struggles in your life. Never expect your husband to fix it all.
Life is full of trials, and we should be thankful for them because they draw us closer to Christ.
Your Spouse Will Always Stay The Same
People do change. When your husband changes, hopefully it is for the better.
Your spouse will change physically, and hopefully grow in maturity and spiritually as he gets older.
Never Being Disappointed
If you are hanging all your expectations on your husband, you will be disappointed. Another person will never be able to fulfill you.
Christ is the ultimate Savior. Your husband can never be.
Realistic Expectations In Marriage
To Be Treated With Kindness, Love and Affection
You should expect your husband to treat you with kindness, love, and affection. A marriage without these core qualities is not a great marriage.
Ephesians 5:28 “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”
Domestic Support
A wife should be able to expect her husband to care for her financially, and a husband should be able to expect his wife to manage their home.
This is not an unrealistic expectation.
1 Timothy 5:8 “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.”
1 Timothy 5:14 “I will therefore that the younger woman marry, bear children, guide the house…”
Commitment From Your Spouse
You should expect commitment from your spouse.
Commitment is one of the main things that actually holds a marriage together, so this is definitely something you should expect.
Respect
Respect For Husbands is very important, however, honor goes both ways.
To honor someone means that we value their life, and see their importance in the eyes of God.
Regular Sex
The Bible clearly instructs husbands and wives not to deprive each other. Often this can be a harder expectation for wives to fulfill, but sometimes it is the men that reject their wives sexually.
Trust
A marriage without trust has little ground to stand on. Trust should be mutual, and once broken, is difficult to build back up.
Companionship
Two are better than one, for where one falls, the other can lift him up. Friendship in marriage is vital for a strong marriage.
Honesty
Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, and where they are, there is not trust. You should expect your husband to be honest with you, and also be honest with him.
Unrealistic expectations in marriage can cause disappointment and hurt feelings, but not having any expectations is not good either. Hold yourself to higher standards than your husband, and let all things be done to glorify God.
Are your expectations for your marriage realistic?
Download the Expectations In Marriage Worksheet PDF.