When You Are Married But Lonely

Married but lonely.

Sounds like a contradiction, doesn’t it?

But yet, when two people in a covenant of marriage are not connected emotionally, feelings of loneliness can quickly arise.

Feeling lonely in marriage is much too common.  

It’s a dangerous thing to feel lonely and unwanted in marriage. It opens up the door for satan’s advances and temptations. 

My husband and I had exactly two weeks of wedded life together before he left for his job.

A seasonal worker, he was gone five days out of the week. 

There I was, a young bride, home alone with little to do.

I had given up my job to become a stay at home wife, and while I did not regret it (at the moment), I felt so lonely in my marriage.

In truth, I was disappointed. This was what marriage was like? It did not feel much different than when we had been dating! 

Thankfully, this situation changed when we were married for about three months.

However, it didn’t take a long time before I was feeling the effects of an emotionally lonely marriage.

When a husband and wife are together every day but aren’t connected emotionally, they can each be lonely by themselves.

Marriage without any emotional connection is a lonely marriage.

That’s what happened to us. I sometimes felt such a stifling feeling of loneliness, that it frightened me.

Where was our marriage heading? 

I knew it was not good, and it seemed to degrade every year.

I am forever thankful that God, in His great love for us, intervened.

He is the only reason that our marriage is intact and improving, instead of the other way around.

It makes you wonder if it is normal to feel lonely in marriage. Unfortunately, feeling lonely in marriage is much too common, and it’s not without its consequences.

Too many men and women turn to other people and vices to fill the void that emotional abandonment in marriage causes.

This can lead to divorce, broken hearts, and unraveling families.

We need to recognize that loneliness in marriage is a real thing, and seek to prevent that from happening. 

Unfortunately, the reason a lot of couples are not able to connect is a much deeper root issue.

Hurts, betrayals, and rejections from childhood that you or your husband might have experienced tend to creep into your marriage and affect your relationship with your spouse.

However, we can not blame that and quit our work towards a better marriage.

Reasons for A Lonely Marriage

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1.Unresolved Hurts

Are there things that you have not discussed with your husbands?

For wives, a big part of feeling lonely is because we have not been able to talk to our husbands as much as we needed. 

My husband is the strong and silent type. He has no problem going for hours without talking. I need to talk to work through my thoughts.

My husband had to learn how to talk with me, and I had to learn how to not take offense when he was quiet.

Talk things through with your husband. Speak the truth in love, but don’t let it stew in your mind.

2.Bitterness

Are you angry at your husband often?

Check your heart to see if you are bitter against him. Anger and bitterness often go hand in hand.

A root of bitterness is unforgiveness at its core.

  3.Lack of trust

Trust once broken is difficult to regain, and can take years. A lack of trust in your spouse will keep you from opening your heart fully to him. 

Read this to find out what you can do when you cannot trust your husband.

4.Walls of Self Protection Around Yours (or His) Heart

This might keep you from feeling pain,  but it also prevents you from connecting with your spouse on a deeper emotional level.

Connecting with a spouse that has built a wall of protection around his heart is incredibly hard.

My husband grew up in a home where he did not receive the love and acceptance that every child needs.

It was not until he became a born-again believer that the walls started crumbling down.

Slowly, but God is merciful and is with us all the way.

Signs you might be in a lonely Marriage

  • You are unable to share your true feelings with your spouse.
  • You feel lonely and unwanted.
  • You can’t remember the last time you had a heart to heart.
  • You aren’t physically intimate with your spouse.
  • An overwhelming sense of being all alone in this world.

What to do when you feel lonely in marriage

Often it feels like there is nothing we can do with an emotionally cold marriage.

What a wise woman will do is grow closer to God, keep on trying, focus on the positives, connect with friends, and focus on serving others.

1.Grow closer to Jesus

Spend a lot of time in prayer, bible reading, and quiet time with God daily.

The closer we grow to God, the holier we become. Also, realize that the lies of the devil can destroy your marriage.

Just because you feel worthless to your spouse, doesn’t mean that you are.

Rebuke the devil, in Jesus’ name, every time he starts telling them to you.

Grow closer to God by being diligent in your walk.

This Spiritual Growth Toolkit will help you set spiritual goals for yourself and become disciplined in your prayer and reading time. Buy it here.

2.Keep on trying to connect to your husband.

Connecting with your spouse is so important for a healthy marriage.

Date nights can help, but honestly, we have little time for date nights these days.

For us, our most important times to talk and reconnect are late at night, after the children are in bed.

However, often it means making an effort to going into your husband’s zone, spending time with him doing things he loves.

Does he love to fish? Go with him, even if you are disgusted by it. Or try starting a new hobby together.

3.Focus on what God IS Doing in Your Marriage.

A positive mindset is a powerful thing. God wants us to choose life, and often that is in our tongue.

A critical wife does nothing to help her husband want to spend time with her.

Nagging never helps! Focus on improving yourself first, and let God do the rest. There is always room for improvement in ourselves.

4.Make an effort to connect with other godly women.

Other women that love the Lord can be very encouraging.

Not only do they often help us to see situations from a different angle, they also hold you accountable.

An encouraging friend will lift you up, not drag you down.

5.Restart a hobby. 

That thing you use to love to do before you got married? Take it up again.

We do not become just a wife or just a mother after we get married.

I honestly believe that we need to have a few outside interests (although never to the expense of your husband or children!).

Keep on learning, as long as you live.

I like to live by the philosophy of learning something new every year. Maybe you do not succeed in everything, but at least you tried.

You will also learn from your mistakes, even if the only thing you learned was that you never want to try that again!

6.Make an effort to serve others. 

The best thing for depression is forcing yourself to serve others.

Make an effort to bring a meal to someone that needs it, or send a caring letter or email to encourage and uplift someone else.

This can be very hard when you are feeling lonely yourself, but encouraging one another is so important.

Feeling lonely in marriage can seem to be a secret journey.

No one knows your inner struggle, and yet you might not even dare to share it.

Too often we think we are the only ones with a struggling marriage. That is far from true. Some are just much better at hiding it! 

Feeling lonely in your marriage is an unfortunate truth for far too many couples.

Try these tips to improve your connection with your husband, and let me know if they worked for you!

Spiritual Growth Toolkit

4 thoughts on “When You Are Married But Lonely”

  1. I have been in a lonesome marriage since the day I got married, but I was too stupid to pay attention to the voice inside screaming at me to pay attention to it. We never had deep discussions concerning our views on relationships & marriage; my viewpoints were not even considered. I was told what his viewpoint was, & that was it. Set in stone, & with no room whatsoever for any other perspective to be even considered. On some points I agreed & some I didn’t, so it was about 50/50. But I was dumb enough to believe that we would be able to wrk through our differences together. He modeled our marriage after his parent’s marriage & still believes to this day that it’s some kind of a mold that everyone is supposed to fit into when they are married. My first slap in the face with reality was the expectations that were placed on me, & when I failed to fulfill those expectations, I was humiliated & degraded. The harder I tried it seemed, the more insignificant & useless I became when I failed. I began to build up walls, & over the years have developed an ability to ignore whatever he says.
    Early on, whenever I had something important to discuss with him concerning my feelings on issues with our marriage, it went one of two ways; either I was told to wait because he wanted to hear something on TV first, or when he did listen, that I was being foolish & had no reason or right to feel that way. End of subject. Case closed.
    I haven’t been able to trust him with anything for a very long time now due to the repetition tion of the above reactions whenever I did reach out & try to trust him. I have been neglected & alone in every aspect of my life. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, & now that the end is looming in the near future, financially as well.
    I was stupid enough to believe that God would open up his heart & show him the pain he was causing & the alienation I was feeling, but he remained oblivious to it & still is.
    Everything that has happened up to this point, according to him, is all my fault, & he is as innocent as a lamb.
    He wants to work on the marriage he says, but what he really wants is for me to continue to do things his way-without any compromises.
    I am trying to be my own person again & be the individual I’m meant to be, but I’m critized & hounded when I show signs of being that person.
    So, I have just stopped trying completely. Trust? Never. I was betrayed on every level a person could be except for the physical cheating. But I was still cheated & robbed.
    I used to beg God in my prayers to open his eyes, but my answer was “no” for whatever reason.
    I feel if you can’t trust your own husband, no one else can be trusted.

    1. Debra, I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough marriage. There seems no easy answer to your situation. I know someone that is in your shoes, and my heart breaks for you. I will pray God will give your direction, strength, and wisdom. He IS able to help you, and a very present help in times of trouble.

  2. i was married but lonely the husband is busy with another woman out there after a Christian marriage with and even with four kids.help me out please

    1. Hi Becky, I don’t know enough details to give you advice, but I am sorry you are going through a hard time. Send me a message through the contact form. We can chat!

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